Break-up Blog

I know that when I leave here today, it will be for good, and it will be alone. I’ve felt it coming for a while now, but I had to try to hold on. Because, and he’ll scoff or worse when he hears this, I adore the man.

It was inevitable that this day would come, that I would have to walk away while I’m still very much in love, for my own sake. Before the potential cheating, before all the bullshit that came after I found the first dating profile in December, before the eviction, before all of it, there was the emotional abuse. That should have been enough.

I don’t want to get into the hard stuff just yet. There will be plenty of time for that. Brian, these posts were never meant to hurt you. Used properly, they will heal you. My words hurt precisely because they are true, and the solution to what broke us, to what’s broken in you, can only be found in the bare-naked truth. I wrote them, and I’ll conclude them in the coming weeks, because I love you. I know you’d like me to say it to your face, but you don’t let me speak. I probably couldn’t by now if you did.

I want you to know that there are so many wonderful things about you. You’ll scoff again, or worse, at this next one: I don’t believe in soul mates, but you’re the closest thing I’ve found. I will miss you terribly for a while, and probably a little bit forever.

When you’re happy, everyone around you is happy. The whole room is laughing, and since they do it together, they all feel like they belong to a unified whole. You’re funny, so fucking funny, please make it into a career, but then you temper it with just enough awkwardness and insecurity to make you accessible. No one feels threatened, instead your blunders make them feel slightly superior, your mistakes convince them that they’re as good as you. Since they like you already, this makes them like themselves.

I love looking at you. I think you’re beautiful, with that perfect curve in your nose and your Jesse Bradford smile. Of all the teen-movie male stars, he was my favorite. You have my favorite smile. Everytime I look at it, I want to touch it with my mouth.

You’re exactly like me in so many ways, and we’ve seen all of hell’s corners together. No one will ever understand this part of my life the way you do, and this knowledge makes me feel lonely without you already. You were my other half, so of course my heart is breaking. I love you so goddamned much.

I love you too much, in fact. I’ve let you crush me in so many ways, use me, abuse me, because I thought you could change. I thought you wanted to. But I forgot the most essential thing about life strategies: They’re adaptive. We do what works until it doesn’t, and we adapt only then. You have to lose me first.

I would stay anyway, but I can’t anymore. The impact you’re having on my life and well-being is profoundly negative. This isn’t working for me. No matter how much I love you, I cannot keep living like this.

We’ll probably exchange a few more  nasty words before the end of the day, so just remember that I don’t mean them entirely. If you just try a little, you’re gonna be amazing. I hope you get everything you deserve, and I hope you deserve only good things from here on out. Be the person that I hoped you could be now. You have to. He’s cost us so much.

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