The Brian Experiment

Brian will tell you that I was a bitch. I woke him up yesterday with a massage, then I rode him til he came, first time in our whole relationship because I’m shy about stuff like that, then I bought him some shit at Goodwill.

I shower when we return from shopping and make myself available to cuddle up, cuz he made me wait all day to finish my end of the morning romp, and he is just texting madly or what the fuck ever on his phone, ignoring me. He says he’s gonna shower but doesn’t even attempt it until hours have passed and we’re fighting. At some point before the fighting, he throws my vibrator at me and tells me he’s sorry. I don’t use it, still hopeful. But I’m the bitch.

This morning I’m securely on my half of the bed and my legs are pulled up near my stomach as usual. I wake up before him and start fucking around on my phone. He rolls over and wants to bring his knees up too so, like I’m a fucking object, he straight pushes me out of the way. “What the fuck?”

He says I’m taking up too much space, so I back all the way into the wall. He’s pissed at being called out and then here’s the real kicker. This mother fucker asks me, “Wanna tell me why only my top half is covered up and I’m uncovered only from the waist down?” And as he finishes rolling back to the other side, he gives me this, “I know you were up to something,” glare. He really straight up accused me of trying to rape him in his sleep.

This after he called my advances, “inappropriate,” earlier in the day.

But I’m the bitch.

Right after the Great Freeze, as I call that event where much of Texas froze over and lost electricity last February (maybe March) Brian and I were staying at a Mariott near the apartment where I’d just ended a lease. My friend Fernando had been there the first night of the freeze, when Justin brought over Brian and we all took acid and me and B hooked up. Less than two weeks had passed and Fernando was already calling it.

See, the two of them did not get along. I’m sure that in part it was because F had, before B’s arrival, been coming by almost daily to hang out with me. I suppose he may have had a little crush. F would have resented being displaced, especially since his replacement actually got to fuck me, B would have been put off by the assumed competition.

But the rivalry was intense immediately, with Brian instigating almost all of it. In fact, Fernando was a saint during the outage, driving across town on the ice almost daily just so we could ride back to his place for a shower. He brought fuel for our fireplace, which kept us warm, and literally every morsel of food we ate that whole week.

Brian wanted him out anyway. He was working on eliminating Justin as well.

So F kidnaps me for a quick drive around the block because he’s seen this before. Brian’s got a wild temper and it’s always ready to fire off. He’s attempting to isolate me from my friends already, he’s using up my resources faster than I can acquire them, and it’s looking like I need to get the hell out of there or I’m gonna be in for a bad run.

I insist that I’m no fool. I know how Brian is, yes he can be violent, he was pushing me around a month after we met. I’ve dealt with emotional abuse and this guy doesn’t scare me, my ex husband literally left me for dead.

I can handle Brian, I tell him, besides he’s just misunderstood. I can see what he needs to be better and I believe that I can help him become it. He’s already showing promise, he’s thinking about his actions, examining his reasons and attempting to realign himself with whats normal. I won’t let him drain me, I am the one with the control, and if it gets to be too much, I’ll get out.

At the time of writing this, I am sad to report that it did not go down the way I planned.

Brian turned me into himself. I became just like him to survive him. Things got to be too much and I did not get out. I fell deeply in love and remain at his mercy, to my detriment.

But I’m the bitch.

*Honestly, this could be a whole novella and I got tired of writing it. Hence the sudden end. More to come as I process the very real end that is probably here.

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